I’ve always said if you want to know me, get inside my head to read my writings but its never worked. I guess I just wasn’t writing the right stuff. I’ve wanted to do this for a while now write my story. Its not that its something interesting its just I want someone to understand someone to see but I’ll explain why later. Its not just the event I’ve experience though I work off of ever fragmenting memories, its my perception not just of those events or the world but myself.

To be honest I don’t really know where to begin I guess I can say I was different then not better worse just different than I am now. I know I know i’m not really helping maybe you’ll understand by the end of this maybe not that not for my to decide I’m just writing this the only way I know how. Still where to start, I guess at the earliest event to affect me before I actually began to perceive this world. As a child you don’t really perceive this world as much as you just watch things happen then perceive them later in your life. I don’t remember my exact age and I don’t recall how it all happened but I was very young 1st grade or earlier. I was in the gym I know that much and I was called down to the consolers office. My mother and father where getting divorced and the consoler wanted to make sure I was alright. I was in actuality indifferent to the entire course of events because it wasn’t like I was losing my father I just wouldn’t see him everyday I remember getting mad at another kid whose parent were getting a divorce because he cried about it years after it happened. I guess I would have to say that at that time I didn’t understand what the big deal of it all was. At this time I was a child with a backyard and legos my world was unshakable. but it wasn’t the divorce that affected me atleast not till adolescence. You see not but a few months after did my mother bring into my life my future stepfather. It was this course of event plus others that started the end of my youth and complacency with the world. You see it wasn’t till later that I learned that my mother had been dating this man and secretely using her suddenly renew faith devotion to church as a cover to see him in less than a after the divorce she was married again and this old man was living in the home my father paid for. It took years for my learn this but I didn’t understand it until these events those occurring after had forced my eyes open and my to perceive my surroundings.

Still this was only the beginning I’d have to say I didn’t perceive or understand anything till I was about eleven. This old man’s entire family with his children already having children was essentially the definition of trailer trash and yeas they lived in a trailer park. They stole thing I got blamed the child support checks from my father but all 9 of the step cousins school supplies. They only my money on that women blood children was buying my sister two cars but that was much later when his son went back to jail. You see til this day I remember the constant horid smell of cigarettes and coors light, a smell that that man exuded. Even more disturbing was he fascination with mother daughter porn and my mother emense amount of “cake toppers” that I found while trying to take his pent house magazines. You see while all this happened my unshakable reality was beginning to fall apart I was the small child in school. Forever picked and belittle, forever the butt of the jokes. So when I got home I would look for solice in my mother but it wasn’t there to this day she is the most inept person I have every met or known and also the only person I ever known that looked straight through me and never saw me. I was continually grounded so I began to sprill down my mother was also very emotionally forceful with me advance classes when I was young with no explaination as to why I was there no compliments that I was smarter that others and had a lot of potential and those as I got older I would waste all of it. So I ended up grounded a lot confined to home which limited the friends I could and created even more social problems with those my own age. There are events that better show this.

I was in forth grade the teach had left the room and the class bully Blake Hamilton had taken my homework. I had chased him around the class room and still could get it back. I was so frustrated that I started to cry tears of anger. The first manifestation of my self destruction and the first time I truly hated something I would control for year to come. It was when I began to lose control. When the teacher came back in I was screaming and crying and being laughed at se sat me aside in the room but I just could stop, and I began to hated myself for being so weak and so out of control. In the corner of the room I began to growl like someone on pcp I started ripping out my hair and clawing up my arms. My first breakdown I was such a gifted child to experience all these things in my forth grade year it didn’t help that at this time my mind began to awaken sexually too. After this my mother forced my into to therapy and the riddlen for add and adhd down my throught with black coffee. It only got worse in my sixth grade year three things happened I started getting outwardly violent, I had another break down and my mother forgot me for a day leaving me at school for hours with me not knowing why she wasn’t there to pick me up, she had just plan forgot about me. It was about this tiem that my frustration with home life had forced me to a level of conflict with my mother that someone who had gone through puberty would experience.

I still remember the day I had even enough my mother had already begun to fear me and that’s was thanks to her ineptitude and her lack of emotional nurturing through the years which I was left to do myself . on a side note about that everytime I’d breakdown and cry she’d always tickle me to make it better to this day I’m not ticklish anymore because of that . but back to that day it was almost the endof the school year and my father had moved into the same city as me to be closer to his children. I had fought with my mother and stepfather and had enough so I grad my backpack and walk about 7 miles to my fathers apartment only calling him when I got there to let him know I was staying the night. It was the first bit of control I had in my life because I chose to leave. By this time I had lost almost all trust in males due to home life and bullying and seeking the emotional recprication I tried so very hard to surround myself with women, most of the time to just have someone to talk to if I wanted to but I never did I just listened.

I know I’m going through so much of my childhood so fast but its because it was only the beginning the awaken, the consequences of personal and outward perception were yet to come. But due to all this my first form had been created. One that was purely made up of hatred, hatred for those who bullied me, hatred for m my mother, hatred for the world. Hell I even had a plan to destroy the school that would almost surely kill almost everyone inside.but through all these years I had one friend I confided in  his name was john kaim I called him Johnny. He was the kid of person always buried in a book or a video game, he was for a time a true comrade in arms.

High school had started my hatred of the world was at its peak, and I had gained another comrade in arms our mutual hatred for someone is what brought us together his name it name was phillip what we called him is exclusively for those who know him. It was us three me Johnny and phillip we ploteted against everyone. We were together almost all the time we grew closer and closer me and phillip feed off each others anger making us even more crazy. Johnny was more or less alogn for the ride with my social issues than me he followed and emulated what I did later he said I forced him to do those things. But my connection with Johnny was based on pure fantasy we made up stories on the walks home. In my freshmen year I said enough with home life and made my father get custody of me. School however was getting weirder after I graduated I realized while in high school I had too stalker one drugged up bitch and another crazy obsessed. Well I had start to make new friends and freshman year ended in that summer I was exposed to many thing I had yet to understand like drugs. I was shotgunned laced weed not knowing what was going on that’s how I lost my virginity a experience I don’t enjoy recalling. Though it was about his time I found the power of words I was in inner turmoil but didn’t know it or understand it I had a fixation on darkness and longed so much for female affection. Sophomore year came and for a while it was gone I found a release for my hatred called high school wrestling my time was short though. Often I sent people to the trainer for being to rough I always believed that if they were to injured to wrestle then it was my victory. But my very release would be my down fall.

I still had no perception of myself, but I still remember a dream to this day that haunts me.

How do you perceive being inside your mind? Myself I perceive my mind as being a room with out windows of doors with the walls bare and white. You can’t stain or change to walls the ceiling is this egg gray color the color itself when you look at it is like nails on chalk board the mere sight make you ears bleeds. The floor dripped upward to the ceiling making ripples and the screeching my violent.