This world is harsh there are those in my life who have always had the power to circumvents this with their paths in life and their attitude about life and there on existence. Its those philosophies and people that I envy. I envy them because I am not nor have ever been capable of that. I’ve pursue life as a task a goal with rewards, with everything always being dependant on time. Yes for many years now, more or less sense I gained an awareness of the world I have been watching my life on a count down clock. Everything that happens just takes more away and the time limit shortens. I’m a very serious person, if the only reason for that is that I have always been struggling , every moment every day struggling. I have never been easy going I try to control and calculate everything. I also have always been one who is never satisfied nothing seems to be enough even my aspirations I find flawed and empty. But through all this no matter what I happen I find my self struggling just to live. I find I always need a reason to fight and to strive. This in itself I separated me from those around me it has made my cynical bold and outspoken but never with a point to it. These actions have drive those around me to hate and those who do end up close to me to always be distance no matter what. Conversation speech with in my head are cold and calculated but I can never find my voice when the situation comes. I find it hard to speek to others hard to speak my personal truth to other I have become the keeper on my own secrets and sins. No one really knows me the deeper I let people in attempt to open in the end just becomes my new out shell just a miss match of secrets lies subtle truth and illusion. I in itself am just a clever facades beyond my own control . I seem in capable of genuine affection or love for anything longer mere moment. I am masked hidden with in myself trapped within myself and even though I acknowledge this and speak of it these words to become part of the façade. What to do? what to do? Of course that question is meaningless there is nothing that can be do. In order to destroy this façade I have to destroy myself. If I do that will there be enough left to rebuilt? I over come the wont to take my breath of life but instead I make decision and choices to destroy my psychological state of being. Reduceing myself to cinders but also it is not enough. I am weak but I bdon’t know what strength I don’t know how to achieve it either. i this façade and just a shadows but the object that cast the shadow is longer since gone. So what to do? What am i? and even those the words have lost their meaning from the moment of being spoken what ami left with? I have in these past few months have slowly driven all those close to me away keep everyone at a control distance. The only information of my well being and situation that is release is controlled with no real point but the result drives me apart keeping me alone. Again we come this. Alone? Hm…? True even though I have a a disturbingly strong sexual drive I deny myself, I deny deep interpersonal relationship in general now days. I deny close proximity to women in general. I deny myself. Still this just end up being masochism to my psychological state of being the reason part of my self hatred and loathing. My hand have enough blood on them and I don’t wish to taint any one else. So now part of my façade is my incontrollable urges and their denial. I reject myself to the very core and that reject has begun to seep out into the reject of everything leaving me alone. Still it’s a façade every last bit of it every last buit of my is a façade a cruel joke that those I have surrounded myself with wont laugh and that I only find funny . these word these thought are useless meaningless and lies from the moment of conception. I would do anything it would seem to be alone to reject I even slightly reject my family but I have to much will to live to actually separate myself from them. I have no power of total independence. Yet I take steps time and time again to make myself hated alone and separated. I am powerless if I had power would I do? Another pointless question. To be separate silent and alone I guess I would take steps to ensure those things. Even though these word are meanlingless and lies within itself. It is not a cry for help, that I have always reject. Its why I reject religion and deny any and all gods. No even though the façade is only further it sometimes feels nice to speak to say something. I am stil the keeper of secrets and sins. This mask is me and I am the façade. Ha